The Passion Diaries 

03/06/2014

Bullying is not merely the stuff of preschool playgrounds, high school hallways, and the tween-to-teen Twittersphere. While it is fair to say that the gradual maturation of one’s moral compass sees a concomitant tapering of social cruelty, the extent to which this tapering occurs is exaggerated by smokescreens and sophistry. I hear it all the time—“Kids are mean;” and my inner monologue always adds—“…to your face. Adults are mean behind your back.”

As kids, our temper-tantrums land us in “time-out”. As adults, our temper-tantrums get us fired, evicted, rejected or jailed. As we climb the chronological ranks, our social tools evolve as well. We learn to be polite, candid, witty, ‘less-than-forthcoming’, subtle, sarcastic, underhanded, secretive, and ‘PC’. While we are less inclined to use the term “bully,” it is nonetheless true—every age has its bullies and its targets. Qualifying circumstances might include: facing the repercussions of others’ attempts to damage your reputation (e.g. via lies and gossip); mistreatment founded in jealousy, selfishness, ulterior motives or insincerity; or general consequences of prejudice and discrimination.

In relationships, every individual is both an exporter and an importer. In my last entry, I discussed exporting (direct outbound behavior). Now, I want to discuss importing; i.e. ways of processing and handling treatment (specifically mistreatment) incurred as a result of others’ direct, outbound behaviors. When I find myself in the line of fire, I make persistent efforts—not merely to cope—but to annul the power of the problem such that there remains nothing with which to cope (I aim to dissolve rather than deflect). Of the tools I’ve acquired—the most effective and versatile are those that allow me to rely solely on personal choices and inner fortitude. The beauty of relationships with "bullies"—they’re superficial, and I’ve discovered two very simple tools that, with persistent and diligent application, are often sufficient.

The effectiveness of every tool in my arsenal is contingent upon two universal prerequisites; i.e. an honest self-assessment or housecleaning and an honest attempt at communication. Be sure that you're not doing anything to provoke or justify the negative behavior. Then, make the person aware that the behavior is bothering you. Calmly and maturely communicate your feelings, ask that they refrain, and leave it at that. The following tools are applicable when problematic behaviors continue despite your innocence and your attempts at communication. The first is a generic line of self-talk. 

Tool 1 – The Script

Ask yourself:

- Why am I upset? Am I upset because I feel that someone has treated me unfairly? Yes.

- Do I realize that, in allowing this person’s behaviors to weigh on my mind—by allowing them to upset me and usurp my mental and emotional energy—I empower this person? If I can’t dismiss the situation and move on, it is because I feel I have unfinished business, and if setting the record straight is what I aim to do, then, for all intents and purposes, I aim to win this person’s approval. In letting this bother me, I imply that the wrong should be undone. Thus, I concede that this person’s opinions and the opinions of any coconspirators are important—that they matter. Do I realize that this concession and my refusal to let go necessarily imply that I have some desire to win this person over such that I change his/her opinion of me and thus compel a retraction of what he/she has said or done? I do.

- Is it fair to say that this person’s unwarranted behaviors were hurtful? Yes. And I did nothing to deserve this? Correct.

- Is it reasonable to believe that similar behaviors would be hurtful to anyone at whom they’re directed? Yes.

- Then how can I justify trying to win this person’s approval? How can I justify ongoing attempts to win the favor of someone who hurts people and treats people unfairly? Why do I care about the opinion of someone I would not care to emulate? I would loathe being the sort of person who makes people feel the way I'm feeling now. If I want to be a respectable person—if I want to respect myself—I must rise above, surrender stubborn pride, and expel the issue from my mind. I must let go of the situation, move past it, and realize that not doing so says more (negatively) about my character than anything this person has said or could say.

Why it works – This tool is effective for multiple reasons, but what is unique to its benefit? It makes me responsible in a way that challenges me morally. It goes beyond reminding me that this person’s opinion of me shouldn’t matter and that ignoring this person makes me “the bigger person.” It tells me that not letting go is morally reprehensible. I find that this tool provides strength and reassurance against the spontaneous backwards drifts to which I am occasionally prone.

Tool 2 – Vigilante Justice

There are better uses for the energy I waste worrying about my bully. I can turn my pain into a reminder that there are others dealing with similar situations and comparable feelings. I’m not suggesting vigilante justice in the form of retaliation. Rather, I can turn my attention to counseling or befriending other ‘targets’. Look around—it's not difficult to find someone being picked on or excluded. Rather than indulge my melancholy, I can look to ease someone else’s.

Why it works – For one thing, when I turn my attention to others, I shift focus away from myself. I stop thinking about my problems. Furthermore, altruism tends to be a self-esteem booster. Most importantly, when I let others know that they never have to feel alone, I ensure the same for myself.

Across the board—it is important that I concern myself with my part in a situation. I must surrender the reins to that which I cannot rightly control (that is—that which I cannot control without infringing upon others’ rights). I maximize my power by first accepting my powerlessness. Then, I can take steps toward restoring my peace of mind.