The Passion Diaries 

The following “commodities” are quintessential reflections of contemporary man’s utterly ridiculous (and delightfully hilarious) efforts to extend his inventive projects far beyond the level of necessity but far short of any genuinely beneficial ingenuity.

# 1 The “Long Reach Comfort Wipe”

The Precedent: Arm + Hand + TP

http://www.asseenontv.com/

“The Long Reach Comfort Wipe is the answer to personal hygiene when reaching is difficult.” [Who is this for???] “The Comfort Wipe's soft flexible head grips toilet paper, tissue or pre-moistened wipes securely while its ergonomic* design reaches where you can't.” [I’ve yet to come across the human being who can’t reach his butt.] “The ultimate toilet aid.” [What sort of toilet needs an aid? Does a “toilet aid” provide aid for a toilet, or are we to assume that “toilet,” in this context, connotes the act of toileting?]

I’m perplexed. If it weren’t for the blatant implausibility of any anthropomorphic implications, I’d say the need for this gadget went out with the Tyrannosaurus Rex. The Long Reach Comfort Wipe is a paradigm of modern pseudo-conveniences. It’s an insatiable market—necessity is the mother of invention; greed is the mother of invented inconvenience.

*P.S. Ergonomics: “The applied science of equipment design, as for the workplace, intended to maximize productivity by reducing operator fatigue and discomfort. ” ... All things considered, methinks the diction’s a bit too big for its britches.

# 2 The WaxVac

The Precedent: Cotton Swabs

The WaxVac “gently draws dirt particles and moisture out of the ear. The secret is safe and gentle suction. Simply attach the silicone tip and insert in ear. Say ‘Goodbye’ to cotton swabs!”

 http://www.asseenontv.com/

A battery powered suction gun with replaceable silicone parts amounts to quite a bit of hardware; certainly more than one would expect of the successor of the cotton swab. Sure, the WaxVac requires the intermittent replacement of AA batteries and disposable silicone tips, and—yes—one must do a bit of meticulous hunting for the elusive replacements; but…cotton swabs are SO last decade.

The more galling offense, however, is the portrayal of commodified happiness in the WaxVac ad photos. Irrespective of the product’s effectiveness—whatever the potential benefits—under no circumstances are those smiles befitting of any activity executed with an ear vacuum. If the WaxVac PR team wants to tackle the feat of casting such a repugnant activity in a glamorous light, so be it. If, however, they expect us to believe that the level of pleasure emanating from the toothy grins of their spokes models is commensurate with the act of siphoning earwax, they must think we are one superlative brand of Idiot.

P.S. Watch the WaxVac infomercial (this one's a real treat...I highly recommend it)

# 3 Sauna Pants

The Precedent: Saunas…and pants

“Sauna Pants provide the benefits of a heat sauna in the areas you need it most—the stomach, waist, butt and hips. Within minutes, Sauna Pants will make you sweat quickly. Wipe clean with a damp cloth.”

 http://www.asseenontv.com/

As is their wont, these marketing mystics are playing fast and loose with the dialect. Under what circumstances does ‘butt sweat’ rise to a level of necessity? Furthermore—the term “Sauna” is less than apposite. This contraption neither looks like a sauna, nor does its essential function bare the semblance of a sauna so much as a heating pad, or a trendy and dangerously controversial DIY saran wrap jumpsuit (the work-out attire of choice among corner-cutting exercisers).

# 4 The GoPilot Portable Urinal (Female Package)

The Precedent: Empty bottles, highway shoulders, port-a-potties, and…diapers?

 http://www.asseenontv.com/

Call me lazy, but I’m going to let the pictures do the work here. I think they say plenty.

# 5 FIR-Real Sauna

The Precedent: Stationary saunas

 http://www.asseenontv.com/

This product earns brownie points for exceeding Sauna Pants in capturing the essence of its namesake, but it is not with Sauna Pants that the FIR-Real™ infrared sauna must contend. Their cyber sales-pitch opens with the question: “What makes the portable FIR-Real sauna superior to other FIR saunas?”

Well, for one—my immediate response to the opening question was: “This is a thing???” So, in my book it ranks #1 by default. For those who are privy to the precedents, however, FIR-Real posits the following evaluable attributes:

- Includes folding chair with 330 lb capacity (Gross)

- Special reflective fabric made from polypropylene cloth—same as your car sun shade

- Does not allow any odors (Unless FIR stands for Febreeze Infrared Rays, this seems highly implausible).

- Does not absorb any sweat; does not allow any bacterial buildup even after years of use; non-gassing (That is so freakin’ sexy.)

- Virtually 100% of the infrared emitted from the FIR-Real™ heaters is in the beneficial range for humans.

I can’t help but think that “in the beneficial range for humans” is a carefully crafted way of saying “in the range that won’t cause melanoma;” which leads me to wonder—what numerical values delineate “virtually 100%?” High stakes warrant precise data…particularly when the ends fall so short of justifying the means. I’m not going to gamble with my life for the sake of a portable sweat bath.

# 6 The Big Top Cupcake

The Precedent: Cupcakes

The product: The As-seen-on-TV Big Top Cupcake silicone bakeware kit comes with a two piece flexible, non-stick silicone mold, an “easy-fill insert”, idea book, and a caption that reads: “Bake giant cupcakes! 25 times bigger!”

Hm...Perhaps I’m ignorant to some boundaries within which we locals have mistaken a strictly region-specific colloquialism for a conventional term; but, in my neck of the woods, we have a different name for this sort of cupcake...we call it a cake. 

# 7 The Moo Mixer Supreme Chocolate Milk Mixer

The Precedent: Stirring

The product: The Moo Mixer Supreme is a fun, “totally cool” way to make chocolate milk. The Mixer features: an “easy to use” trigger button, “fun to hold” handle, a 16oz detachable tumbler, and a “totally cool whirling vortex of power.” The Mixer runs on two AA batteries (not included)—“just add milk, chocolate, and imagination!”

It's apparent  that we as a people have reached the pinnacle of laziness when we’re inventing battery powered, motorized contraptions to obviate spoons. I e-mailed Moo Mixer’s customer service representative to ask if they might, for the cost of additional shipping and handling, throw in a complementary can of “imagination?” I haven’t heard back.

# 8 What’s in a name?

Oftentimes, a product’s name is itself the ‘shark-jumper.’ Cases in point:

• “The Contour Kabooti Comfort Ring” - A donut cushion—provides relief from hemorrhoids; prevents coccyx discomfort

• “The Booty Belt” - Flat elastic band clipped to one’s belt loops to keep one’s booty covered without the unsightly belt bulge

• “Ankle Genie” - Zip up compression support for ankles and a mail-in rebate for three wishes... What’s that? No wishes? Huh…duped again! You win this round, you crafty false advertisers.

• “The Groutinator” - Austrian grout cleaner…

• “Heel-Tastic” - Seriously? 

• “Bust UP Cups” - Under-the-bra padded booby lifters

• “Lint Lizard” - A vacuum cleaner attachment that enables maximum lint removal from clothes dryers and in no way resembles a lizard or any part of a lizard, does not engage in lizard related activities nor does it perform lizard-like functions. It’s apparent that the “Lizard” in “Lint Lizard” is simply an allusion to someone’s overzealous affinity for alliteration.

# 9 Dog Dicer

As a ‘hilarious infomercial’ enthusiast, this gem made my month. It's a little bit-o-fantastic. 

Featured quotes:

"I love it because I feel safe knowing they won't choke." 

"If I take the kids over to the grandparents...I know they're going to be safe, no matter where they are."

Follow hyperlink below:

Click here to watch the infomercial.

You're welcome.

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ergonomic. Dictionary.com. The American Heritage® Stedman's Medical Dictionary. Houghton Mifflin Company.http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/ergonomic (accessed: April 19, 2014).

Wirth, Jason. Introduction to FWJ Schelling's Die Weltalter